


Some and Now None of You

by ZadieWrites



Series: My Pre-Canon Content [4]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Childbirth, Death, Death in Childbirth, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I cried three times writing this, Just it’s not a good time, Kinda bittersweet but Ygraine still dies so overall unhappy ending, Pre-Canon, Sad Ending, Swearing, TW:, Very graphic portrayal of said death in childbirth, Widowed, me throwing fic after fic about Ygraine and Uther into the Merlin tag llike, very very sad, ”DO PEOPLE CARE YET?!”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:47:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27501031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZadieWrites/pseuds/ZadieWrites
Summary: Uther wished he could have pinpointed the exact moment he knew she would be the one to die.Or: Uther promises to be a better father than he is in canon because it was his wife’s dying wish.
Relationships: Arthur Pendragon & Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Kinda - Relationship, Ygraine de Bois/Uther Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: My Pre-Canon Content [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977820
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Some and Now None of You

**Author's Note:**

> Wild concept, sometimes if you listen to “The Night We Met” by Lord Huron too many times in a row you write like 1200 words about Uther Pendragon grieving his wife, did you know that, I didn’t know that-

Uther wished he could have pinpointed the exact moment he knew she would be the one to die. 

He was sure she knew before he did, despite knowing presumably nothing about the cursed agreement between him and Nimueh. 

Because as he looked down at his wife, laying on a bed, as unholy amounts of blood spilled from her, staining sheet after sheet scarlet, he saw panic in Ygraine’s tearful blue eyes. 

“Fuck! Fuck, Uther, promise me something because I don’t think I’m going to make it!” She gasped, hoarsely, her sweat-covered chest heaving with every breath. 

“No-You’re not going to die because that’s not how this was supposed to go!” Uther insisted to her in distressed response.

When he looked up at his physician he only saw hopelessness in Gaius’ expression as he held shaking, blood covered hands in front of him. The physician wasn’t the most knowledgeable or the most experienced and he’d only assisted in one birth before.

Around them stood assistants and servants, doing what they could, be that bringing water to the queen as she gave birth or taking more bloody sheets out of the room. Had Uther really not seen this much blood in one room before or did it feel that way because he knew who it was coming from? 

The blood-soaked sheets reminded him of when his father’s body had been brought inside over twenty years ago . . . the corpse had been so mangled, and Uther had been so young at the time, they didn’t want him to see the body, but his brother had insisted . . . 

“Then in case I die anyway! Promise me-that you’ll take care of little Arthur or Artura.” Ygraine sobbed. 

“I-“ Uther started, feeling his voice shake. “I promise.”

She screamed at the top of her lungs as another wave of contractions hit her. Blood gushed from her womb like a wave as a baby’s piercing cry rang out.

Gaius scooped up the damp, little, soon-to-be-motherless creature and wrapped it up in a clean sheet. 

“I-I-it’s a boy.” he said in a quiet voice.

Ygraine looked remarkably pale as a weak smile spread on her face. “M-make sure he knows he’s loved, Uther. Don’t hurt him. Just whatever you do, don’t ever, ever hurt our little boy . . .” 

Uther grabbed her hand and held it tight. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not about to die right now. Our child was just born.” 

Ygraine acted as if she didn’t hear him, her eyes glazing over, and her breaths coming out shorter and shorter. She swallowed, deeply, her throat, of which sweat pooled within every crevice, bobbing up and down. 

“H-hey . . .” her voice was scarily weak and cracked. “I’m scared too . . . but it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. I love you, Pendragon.” 

His wife’s eyes didn’t close, as the last bit of life she had left them. And they never would close again. 

“Oh, no . . . oh, no, no, no, no-“ Uther heard Gaius breathe, placing the child in a servant girl’s arms, going to Ygraine and feeling her pulse, pressing nimble fingers against her pallid neck. 

A single moment of anticipation, before Gaius looked up at Uther, with tears rapidly coming to his eyes. “She’s gone. There’s nothing I can do.” 

Uther felt himself freeze and become numb at first, his own tears refusing to make themselves present. His brain wouldn’t process it. His wife, his heart and soul, his entire world, his wife, the only reason he did anything, dead in front of his eyes, in a sea of her own blood and sweat, with a child that was just born. A child Uther suddenly realized he would have to raise alone . . . 

He was prepared to put his own life on the line, not hers. Never hers. 

“Uther, what have we done?” Gaius whispered, through barely controlled sobs of shock and trauma and utter devastation. 

_______________________________________

For the next couple days, Uther’s grief remained under the surface. He felt almost guilty about that at the time. He couldn’t find room in his heart to weep for his wife? 

Uther buried himself in the paperwork required to establish the death of a queen legally . . . as painful as it was to do so. His advisors told him he didn’t have to do it so early, to which he’d explained how badly he needed the distraction. He understood this. He could focus on this. 

He couldn’t bear to see the baby yet. The newborn prince had been in the capable hands of various nurses and would be alright for now. But Uther knew he’d have to eventually.

The third night after she’d died, Uther found himself waking up late in the night, uncomfortably aware of the bed’s emptiness. He looked over at her side of the bed, which in all honesty, still smelled like her. He thought about the way her platinum hair would ordinarily be sprawled across the pillow. He thought about the way she would ordinarily run hot, causing warmth to radiate between the two of them, and how cold it was right now in contrast. He thought about the sound she made when she breathed. And it felt like a red hot crossbow bolt had ripped through his heart as he realized he would never hear that sound again.

And at last, Uther felt his eyes sting. 

He didn’t bother trying to hold back the sobs that proceeded to overtake him, which rocked his entire body and made his ribs ache. He barely had time to gasp in between them, tears fell and fell as he let himself completely break down. 

“FUCK!” He anguished up to the ceiling, as his sides shook and raw tears continued to come, with no sign of stopping, to himself, to Ygraine, to God or to Nimueh, he didn’t know. 

Uther had killed the thing that mattered the most to him. And whatever happened from now on, he knew he would never be the same. 

_______________________________________

After he’d finished what would not be the last time he wept for her, he slipped out of bed and went to the nursery they were keeping the baby in. 

Little Arthur, who was a beautiful child, if a bit underweight, possibly due to complications of Ygraine’s pregnancy, slept in his cradle, a light sheen of blonde hair on his tiny head. Uther picked up the child, holding him in his arms and looking down at him. The baby fussed a moment but didn’t wake.

This was all he had left of her. 

This poor, meager little boy who had just lost his mother before he’d gotten the chance to meet her. And Uther, who had remained somewhat distant from the infant for the last couple days, felt his heart swell with love for him. 

“As long as I live, Arthur, nothing will ever hurt you.” He promised him, just as he had promised his mother.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking with this, despite it being sad and unbetaed.


End file.
